TIARAS TEARS AND TRIUMPHS with SANDY J Podcast - Helping Victims and Survivors of Abusive Relationships Heal and Grow

Ep 33 - Why healing your life from abuse starts with you

February 21, 2021

Today I want to talk about your healing.

You may have heard that the physical wounds from abuse heal far more quickly than the emotional and psychological wounds of the traumas experienced in abusive situations.

And there is good reason that this is the case.

And it's not your fault, because you may be completely unaware of how to even go about healing on the inside after all the hurts and wounds you have experienced.

And this internal pain because we feel it, but we don't see it, like we do a bruise or other types of superficial or topical wounds, is easily ignored, or masked. 

And when we feel the pain of those internal wounds we carry as a result of the trauma and damage we have been through, we will suppress it when we feel it rising up, because it is too painful and frightening to face.

And so we turn to escapes which help us block out and escape the pain.

Things like shopping, social media, alcohol, cigarettes, comfort eating, not eating and maybe even using other harmful substances.

These things don't do anything to address the pain, but they help us forget about the pain for awhile.

So on top of the abusive person in our lives hurting us, we are also hurting ourselves too.

I get it because I have been there.

I have been on a self-development path since I was in my teens and yet so many of the things I was seeking seemed to elude me.

Those big questions like what is my purpose seemed to be always just out of my reach.

It seemed that my path was learning life's lessons the hard way.

And it has taken me year's to figure out that instead of being my own worst enemy which I had been for many year's, I had to heal myself and heal my life by becoming my own best friend.

For year's I had put myself down the bottom of the list of priorities and put everyone else ahead of me, whether that be my children, my partners, my parents, or basically anyone who asked anything of me.

I was a YES person. I said YES, even when I really wanted to say NO, even when the thing I said YES to compromised me and made me feel sick to the stomach doing. I didn't want to appear selfish by saying NO.

For a long time I beat myself up by turning to things like cigarettes as an escape, I was in physical pain almost all of the time.

This pain stemmed in part from a physical syndrome I was born with, but was magnified by the compounded stress and anxiety I was feeling almost all of my adult life. 

I didn't feel safe and I thought that high levels of stress was a normal part of life.

Although I learnt about mindfulness and had a good understanding of wholistic healing, I just could not seem to beat the circumstances which were putting me under so much stress and anxiety.

I realised I was a victim of circumstance, but I didn't know what I needed to do to change this.

It was as if I was going a step forwards and then two steps back. I didn't feel as though I was getting ahead with all the wisdom and knowledge that I had, i felt as though I was going backwards.

Maybe you see some of yourself in the things I have been saying.

The good thing is, that I did breakthrough the lesson which had eluded me and I want to share it with you. 

My message to you is that you can heal your life.

So now, I am going to talk about some common traits that are consistent with individuals who have been narcissistically abused.

See if any of these speak to you

- have suffered from abuse, or fear abuse, or have a strong aversion to people who are abusive

- work really hard to keep security in your life and don't hesitate cleaning up messes that other people make which could threated your security

- have a high level of integrity, and don't like people thinking badly of you, and are very disturbed if someone thinks you are a bad person

- find it hard to say no and keep giving even when it feels bad

- find it hard to receive from others and you are usually the person who does the hard jobs

- are highly intelligent and can work out a solution in most areas of your life.

- feel your worth is measured by how capable you are at achieving your goals and you struggle to know that you are lovable and acceptable to others just for being you

- you are very hard on yourself and you will generally criticise yourself for things you haven't achieved, rather than appreciate and love yourself for who you are right now

- are very independent and capable, yet feel empty and alone and deeply want a relationship when single

- find it difficult to speak up for yourself and create healthy boundaries

- respect security, strive hard for it and don't want to give it up

- try to win approval from others by making them like you, or wanting them to admire your capabilities.

- don't want to be alone and are fearful that you may never meet another person who you feel so connected to, and you therefore feel you have to make your relationship work despite abuse.

- have a tendency to want to fix and sort out other people's problems rather than feel into and sort out your own uncomfortable emotions

- see yourself as an empath and tend to put other people's needs before your own and believe that to be virtuous

- struggle to see the value in providing yourself with inner healing time, feeling this isn't as productive as doing tasks

- feel guilty when taking time out and doing things for yourself

- tend to take responsibility for people rather than allowing them to learn through error and take responsibility for themselves.

- find that you didn't receive unconditional love, true connections and understanding or approval from your parents

Are you relating to any of these.

I know I can put a tick to every one of those things I've mentioned as being a character trait I possess. 

So don't feel alone, or feel bad if you have ticked off as many things as I have.

The reason I refer to these points which I learnt about in my studies to understand why I fell victim to not 1, but 2 abusive relationships, is because I found this information really helpful to gain an understanding that these characteristics were shared by anyone who falls victim to abusive relationships.

What this did for me and I hope does for you too is to help see and understand why I was falling prey to being a victim.

And this information is empowering because it shows where we can change to bring about different outcomes for our future, rather than going around in the same circle and wondering why we can't move forward.

Now I have learnt many things from many sources on this path of self-discovery.

But the single most useful lesson and the one which is the real key to healing your life and bringing about change is that the wounds inside us need to be tended to and healed.

Of all the relationships in your life, the most important one to get right is the relationship you have with yourself.

When you get that relationship right, all your relationships will transform.

I am not saying that you can change a narcissistic person, but your inner work will repel them and you will attract relationships with people who value you as much as you value yourself.

So where do you begin with your healing?

The first thing you do is change your focus.

Instead of putting all your energy into the narcissist and start putting the majority of your energy into healing yourself and your life, the more you do this the more you will bring about the transformation you are seeking.

This is just the starting point, there will be other steps you will need to take to free yourself of all the limiting beliefs you held which no longer serve you.

You will need to dedicate the time it takes to heal all old festering wounds which have been holding you back for all these years.

You will need to turn up for yourself every day.

You will need support, just as we need doctors with expertise in different physical ailments, you will need support from people with experience in healing internal wounds, which have lodged themselves in our subconscious mind, our muscle memory, at a cellular level and an epigenetic level.

The good news is that there is a way to heal.

You don't have to go through the next umpteen years with that answer to your healing being just out of your reach.

This is what will help you transform your life on every conceivable level and provide you with the stability that you have so long craved for.

This is what will help change you to make you open to attracting good into your life.

And what will help you find the confidence to dream and set goals to work towards.

This is your path to inner peace.

We are all on a path and you may not agree with what I say.

I know that at certain times along my own journey if somebody would have said to me you just have to learn to be your own best friend and get to the root of all the things which are causing pain and suffering in your life, I would have said, you clearly don't understand what I am going through. I might have even felt they were mean and uncaring to tell me that my ability to succeed and find happiness lay squarely with me changing myself by getting to the root of the problems, by spending time with my inner child, by forgiving myself, by loving myself.

So if you feel like this, I get it.

But if you could just make a start with small acts of self love where you acknowledge your value by doing things which really say to yourself that you care enough to take care of yourself.

Whatever it is, whether it is going for regular walks to get fresh air and exercise and calm your nervous system.

Or say some affirmations telling yourself that you are beautiful and lovable.

Or you spend some time each day journaling.

Or you set aside a small percentage of any income just for you to send a message to yourself that you are worth setting aside some money for.

Or you eat more healthy.

Or you drink less and less often.

Or you cut back on smoking and start working on a plan to quit.

Or you get online and find a free online counselling service for domestic violence.

Or you call a friend and organise a catch-up to send yourself a message that you are worth having good friends.

So much of the time I do interviews on my podcast.

And some of you may not know that I am a women's transformation coach, consultant and healer.

I know that money can be a real block for many women who have been through abusive relationships.

This was true for me and when I was searching for answers to help me deal with the challenges I was facing when I was in the throws of an abusive relationship I would listen to self-help and personal development audio books and programs.

That is what inspired me to create this podcast.

I knew how much it meant to me at that time to be able to tap into any information which would help me just get through the day.

I wanted solutions for the bigger problems, but I was happy just being able to tap into something that would help me get through another day.

There were plenty of days when I didn't even want to face the day.

There were plenty of days when I just wanted to give up.

And I know now if it wasn't for those audio books and programs I would have neglected myself far more than what I did. I would have done far more self-destructive things to myself. At that time, I didn't like myself very much for not coping and for my life being such a mess. And I didn't see a way out or much of a future.

Any inner work I did on myself or outer work I did on my situation always paid off. But I needed to get the breakthrough and really love and accept myself for who I am.

So if you are where I was and don't have any financial resources right now. I hope with all my heart that this podcast is giving you some hope and some help to work through the hard times.

And if and when you are ready you can look me up at www.sandyj.com.au to come do some inner and outer work to get your life back on the right track.

The biggest thing is I don't want you to feel as though you have to go through all the hard times on your own.

Sending you love, light and wishing you well and most of all stay safe.

If you want to get started with your healing journey click this link 


1) the most important relationship you will ever need to heal and nurture is your relationship with yourself

2) we've all been our own worst enemy at times in our lives, now it's time to try to become your own best friend

3) it is ok to say no when you feel like you are expected to say yes

4) don't feel guilty when you take out time for yourself, this is not selfish, this is called self-care. If you don't care for yourself, then other's will think it's ok not to care for you too.

4) the pain from the traumas you have been through can fester and be the root problem of your suffering

5) if you neglect your inner wounds, they will not heal and they will manifest in painful situations in your life

6) Start with small acts of self-love that send clear messages to your subconscious that you are worth loving

7) The first person you need to forgive in your life is yourself

8) You need to turn up for yourself every day

9) Don't think badly of yourself, you have done the best you could with what you have and what you know. Remember mistakes are just opportunities for growth.

10) Accept help. Get support in your transformation journey, you don't have to figure it all out on your own and you don't have to prove your worth to anyone. The people who will help you are no less, or no more valuable than you are. 

Subscribe. Enjoy. Share. Sending love and light, Sandy J

CAUTION: If you feel unsafe at any time please STOP LISTENING. You can come back anytime you are in a safe place to listen to the rest of the Podcast. YOUR SAFETY is the most important thing to consider.

If you are in immediate DANGER call the Police.

NOTE OF ENCOURAGEMENT: If you are struggling with your metal health please reach out for support with some form of counselling, therapy, or coaching.  If you don’t know where to start to find a counsellor, a good place to start is to talk to your Doctor. There are also many online counselling supports now available. If the Support Person is not a good fit for you, try another and another, until you have one that is the right fit for you. And don't forget, I help women to heal and grow, and help them to meet their challenges head on, to move towards a life they love. 


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Until next time, stay well and stay safe.

Sending you love, light, peace and joy,


Sandy J


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